This time we’re going a little old school with the LIES. You might be tooling down the road, your eyes pummeled by billboards spewing advertising dreck, by bumper stickers describing personal morals the drivers wished were true—and you flip on the radio to some classic rock, songs from a simpler time, when a long-haired, drug-addled singer really seemed to be pouring truth through the speakers into your ears. . . .
Song Titles That LIE
“Only the Good Die Young” (Billy Joel): Just pointing this out, William: Jeffrey Dahmer was beaten to death in prison at the age of 34. So are you telling us 34 is “old”? Or are you somehow recklessly implying that Dahmer was “good”? Thin ice, William. Thin ice.
“The Song Remains the Same” (Led Zeppelin): Sheesh—this song LIES within about 30 seconds. It’s all buh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-buhduhduhduhduh—then suddenly it’s mee-dee-mee, mee-mee-mee-dee-mee—and then, whoa!, it’s bee-dee-bee-CHONK-CHONK-bee. I mean, Zep doesn’t even try to cover up this LIE. It’s pathetic.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” (U2): This might classify less as a LIE than a muddle of infuriating confusion. So you’re the lead singer of the most powerful band on the planet. You’re unimaginably rich. You hobnob with world leaders. You fight poverty and hunger. You model sunglasses. And you “still” haven’t found what you’re looking for? How fucking demanding can you be?
“Everybody Wants To Rule the World” (Tears For Fears): Stalin didn’t. Really—he had myriad opportunities near the end of World War II to send his steamroller of an army rumbling across the breadth of Europe, the Middle East, and just about anywhere else he wanted. But he was more concerned with securing Russia’s frontiers than conquering the world for communism. So if Joseph freakin’ Stalin didn’t want to rule the world, T-Fears, the Evil estimates that no more than 43% of humanity wants to. And though, sure, “43% of Humanity Wants To Rule the World” isn’t quite as catchy, neither is the LIE.
“True” (Spandau Ballet): False, Spandau. False.