it’s the national evil 200th postiversary “most boring dream” contest!

The National Evil believes in promoting a healthy spirit of bloodthirsty competition among the American people. However, I also recognize that most of us piss ourselves when faced with any form of competition that involves mental acuity, physical skill or the dread public speaking.

So, in honor of our fierce noncompetitive nature . . . and for this, the National Evil’s bipostennial, I present to you:

The First Annual Most Boring Dream Contest!

The rules are simple. All you have to do is describe a dream more boring than this one, which I actually had:

Last night I dreamed I was looking at a map of the United States when I realized that Kansas is actually WEST of Montana! After decades of trusting globes, atlases, road maps, and States of the USA children’s puzzles, I discovered they’re all wrong. There it was on the map, crammed between Montana and Idaho: Kansas.

Just imagine the shock! The horror! The—oh crap. I actually just bored myself awake.

A few caveats. Your dream has to be:

(A) A real dream.
(B) Not just a routine, “Dammit, I’m living my everyday life in my dream” dream. We all have that. It has to be something out of the ordinary, something that would NEVER happen in your life . . . but still boring as all holy hell.

The prize? A night with Megan Fox  in the heart-shaped jacuzzi of your dreams! (Emphasis on “of your dreams.”) That’s right—an entire night! You’ll be shriveled as raisins after a marathon 10 hours in the jets!

Or . . . maybe just your name and picture posted here or something along those lines. Whichever you prefer.


6 thoughts on “it’s the national evil 200th postiversary “most boring dream” contest!”

  1. Had a dream the other night. Got a job at the YMCA, only it wasn’t the YMCA. It was the newspaper I worked at after college in Gainesville. I was in the copy/fax room which was blue instead of yellow. I kept trying to fax this soup label or something like a soup label. I don’t know what was on it. It wouldn’t go through, and I was pissed. That was my dream.

    Boring enough?

  2. that’s preeeeeetty boring . . . but i have a feeling that soup label featured a secret ancient code that COULD SAVE THE WORLD!

  3. So…did I win? I’ve got a whole collection of monumentally boring photographs you can post. Or I can go for the hot tub jaunt with Megan Fox. I am certain THIS Megan can outlast her scrawny no-carb eating ass. I pass out in my jaccuzzi pretty much every night anyway, so…

  4. I had a dream the other night that I was in a car with someone that was driving straight towards a railroad track that had a train passing on it. I screamed “train! train!” and they turned off. We went to their house and they were cooking turtles. They unwrapped one from tin foil and bit into it, shell and all.

    Not boring. Just really weird and disturbing. I apologize to turtles everywhere.

  5. I had a dream I went to see the new Dalí/Lorca/Buñuel biopic Little Ashes only to find out it wasn’t about the artists at all — they were just feature in an introductory scene with no relation to the rest of the film, which was about a 1950’s straight, suburban Americana couple who adopt a baby. I gave it a scathing review, obviously.

  6. I dreamed that I headed into the kitchen for a glass of water in the middle of the night, I turned on the light switch. Just at the moment that I flipped the switch, a thermonuclear device went off filling the room with a blinding light and I woke to dark stillness.

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