The National Evil believes in promoting a healthy spirit of bloodthirsty competition among the American people. However, I also recognize that most of us piss ourselves when faced with any form of competition that involves mental acuity, physical skill or the dread public speaking.
So, in honor of our fierce noncompetitive nature . . . and for this, the National Evil’s bipostennial, I present to you:
The First Annual Most Boring Dream Contest!
The rules are simple. All you have to do is describe a dream more boring than this one, which I actually had:
Last night I dreamed I was looking at a map of the United States when I realized that Kansas is actually WEST of Montana! After decades of trusting globes, atlases, road maps, and States of the USA children’s puzzles, I discovered they’re all wrong. There it was on the map, crammed between Montana and Idaho: Kansas.
Just imagine the shock! The horror! The—oh crap. I actually just bored myself awake.
A few caveats. Your dream has to be:
(A) A real dream.
(B) Not just a routine, “Dammit, I’m living my everyday life in my dream” dream. We all have that. It has to be something out of the ordinary, something that would NEVER happen in your life . . . but still boring as all holy hell.
The prize? A night with Megan Fox in the heart-shaped jacuzzi of your dreams! (Emphasis on “of your dreams.”) That’s right—an entire night! You’ll be shriveled as raisins after a marathon 10 hours in the jets!
Or . . . maybe just your name and picture posted here or something along those lines. Whichever you prefer.