Over the past several weeks, I have refitted the Workstation of Evil (WOE) with myriad devices aimed at thrusting Evil into your brain through your eye sockets ever more powerfully and sexily.  That’s right: in the midst of these our recessionary times, the National Evil is not scaling back—no. Far from it. There is a new printer. A new 24-inch LCD monitor. New speakers. A new wireless keyboard. All of it hooked into one lil’ MacBook. All for YOU.

Hooowever . . .

As excited as I know I should be, I can’t help but look at my MacBook without a shudder of puritanical disgust. For Evil’s sake, it looks like a seventeen-year-old girl, fresh off the bus in Hollywood, flush with dreams of making it as an actress—only to find herself scooped up by a seedy porn producer and dumped into a six-person orgy. Every orifice has been filled. White, black, gray—all manner of plugs have been inserted into my poor MacBook, which lies supine, lid closed in apparent exhaustion. (Plus, with the wireless devices, it’s like she’s also having virtual sex while watching another porno on a widescreen TV.)

And I did this. I am that seedy porn producer.

I should be reveling in the joy of a gigantic monitor, rocking speakers, etc. . . . but I’m not. Quite frankly, I feel like washing my hands every time I touch any of these wonderful gadgets.

On the other hand, I’m sure Steve Jobs would tell me my MacBook is willing and able to take all those devices at once. Eager, even. She’s a nymphomaniac, he’d say. Give her all she can take, she’s up to it! (Though he would also castigate me for my non-Apple product purchases—why’d I go with the Dell when I could’ve gotten the Apple display for only three times as much?!)

Apple devotees have been compared to a cult, but I feel it’s much more accurate to describe them . . . okay, us . . . as the shifty-eyed spirits haunting the porno section of the video store behind the beaded curtain, feeding our unhealthy obsession with all things Mac. So maybe he’s the seedy porn producer. And I’m just the guy writing the scripts.

It’s not much, but I feel a little better.

Enjoy the weekend. If possible, ORGY!


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