do NOT play the dozens with a supermassive black hole

supermassive black hole

Here’s a thing. The largest known supermassive black hole turns out to be even . . . larger, according to a “new model.” That would be Yahoo-speak for “black holes are cool if you take out the science!”

Anyway. This does not seem wise to me. At all. We might live in a rapidly expanding universe, but ain’t no sense mocking the gravity-devouring maws that are the beating, all-consuming black hearts of our universe with fat jokes. Are we not asking for it, just asking for it, when we point at galaxy M87 and snap, “Your black hole is sooooo big, it’s got its own active jet shooting light out of the galaxy’s core!”

If sci-fi movies have taught us nothing else, it’s that we either need to (1) be supremely good neighbors to our undoubtedly more advanced, starfaring aliens-next-door or (2) hurry up with the planetary death ray and take ’em out before they fall on us like maggots to a deer carcass. And since I haven’t read word one about the Obama administration’s planetary death ray initiative (It’s green[-man-killing] technology! It’ll create jobs in battered industrial states!), it seems we need to approach the case of M87’s black hole thusly:

Say we, the Milky Way, are out for drink with our buddy M87, who is bragging about hooking up with a lady t’other night. Naturally we ask what she looked like, whence M87, with a kind of belligerent sheepishness, claims “she wasn’t, like, bony. She had a little meat on her.” . . . And then, minutes later, said hookup walks into the bar, squeezing her immense girth through the doorway.

Do we, the Milky Way, mock our buddy M87? Not if we’re good friends, we don’t. Now, if we’re planetary death ray-having friends? Mock away.

But we’re not . . . yet. So for now, methinks our scientists need to keep their “new models” to themselves. And work on that laser!


2 thoughts on “do NOT play the dozens with a supermassive black hole”

  1. If a Dyson DC23 which features Ball™ technology, Root Cyclone™ technology, Quick-draw Telescope Reach™ wand, and a Lightweight
    Lifetime washable HEPA filter was integrated with a much scaled-down version of a black hole (much unlike the new model), not only would it get your floor surfaces infinitely clean, it could also change your world as you know knew it.

  2. I am a supermassive black hole at what was once considered to be the milky way galaxy.

    I have assaigned the same level of knowlegdge of the new GRID game so you to can be a genius

    Please pas it on to your friends and families.

    Do it ALL AT ONCE…NOW!!!

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