the national evil joins the élíté! (how many accent marks can i put over that word?)


At long last, the National Evil slips from the mortal coil and ascends to a societal precipice hitherto unknown to—but by no means undreamt by—him.

That’s a lot of sentence right there. What the hell am I talking about? Only this:

Finally—after years of research, impulse buying, and quiet, gentle sobbing in the wee hours of the morning—a simple product choice has elevated me into a stratosphere of elite consumers. How’d that happen? Pizza Hut is now offering a 20% discount on any pie ordered through their iPhone app!

This is what I’ve been waiting for all my life: a time when the simple act of owning an everyday product set me apart from you pathetic normals. And not because the product itself is more expensive, stylish, or trendy than anything you own. Nay; the product serves as mere portal into a realm where one’s money stretches further, the women are all anorexic Russian supermodels, and the pizzas are dusted with gold leaf. (Metaphorically speaking.)

Plus, this app now gives me power to control the toppings of any pizza I order with a group. Say we’re calling in four large pies—wouldn’t you surrender a few of your favorite toppings for the opportunity to save 20%? Because I’m sure as hell not offering up MY discount if you reject my anchovy/pineapple/stink beetle trifecta.

(It should go without saying that, from this point forward, I will make sure I am the only iPhone-having personage in any pizza-ordering group.)

Really: you spend your entire life telling yourself YOU aren’t subject to the tidal pull of celebrity product endorsements, saturation advertising, and peer pressure, all the while formulating rational explanations for how your purchases of pink velour J-Lo tracksuits are made free of J-Lo’s corrosive influence. And then something like this happens, abruptly, almost orgasmically validating you as a consumer genius. Should we dub thee “consenius?” or “gensumer?”

Enjoy the weekend. If possible, throw me a surprise pizza party.


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