One of the most unfortunate aspects of modern life is the inexorable leakage of illiterospeak into everyday use. “U” for “you,” that kind of thing. While one could trace this tendency back to Prince (“I Would Die 4 U,” “Nothing Compares 2 U,” et. al.), it obviously exploded with the advent of text messaging. Soon illiterospeak crept into email subject lines, then the subject matter itself. And so on.
I don’t actually have a problem with illiteranguage itself, not on its own merits. What I bemoan is how this revolution, crawling from the bottom of basic comprehension, threatens a longstanding goal of those of us perched at the top: reformation of the English language!
When George Bernard Shaw is pressing us to fundamentally alter the mother tongue—well, we don’t, but at least we shake our heads gravely and say, “Something really should be done.” But when tweens are leading the charge, we instead grit our teeth and cling ever more tightly to the Y and O that jumped the line in front of U hundreds of years ago. U gets no justice. U gets no love. (Not to be confused with Queen’s English hardliner Faith Evans’s “You Gets No Love.”)
Is the National Evil the one to lead the charge into a brighter, simpler era of English? Nope. It’s not like you bastards followed the Evil when he lead the charge for uniform microwave keypad standards. (Wait, did I cover that yet?)
But today I would like to propose one tiny change to the language. I invite you to join me in changing the spelling of “wrong” to “rong.”
Why? Well, isn’t there a delicious irony in the fact that “rong” is, in fact, rong? Writing “rong” by its very nature amplifies the rongness of that which you are calling rong.
Think about it this way: when “fuck” began to lose its offensive luster, we felt compelled to add “mother.” And it can only be a matter of time—weeks, methinks—before even that will lose its power. At that point we’re all going to be saying “grandmotherfucker.” And no one wants that.
But by simply dropping the superfluous W from “rong,” we augment its power for at least another decade. And when that wears off, we’ll simply change it to “rawng.” And after that, it’s right back to “wrong.” Perfection!
Who’s with me?