Category Archives: politics

what it actually means, a week later

inauguration

Repeat after the Evil:

“Disasters might befall this country. They might be inevitable. But as of noon on January 20, 2009, I am no longer afraid that those disasters will issue from the highest office in the land.”

I.e.: breathe deep, America. You no longer have to live in fear of waking up to discover we’ve just invaded Iran.

*     *     *

Friend of Evil Vic dropped some Langston Hughes to celebrate the event. Evil’s favorite lines:

O, let America be America again—
The land that never has been yet

And yet must be

Continue reading what it actually means, a week later

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the (almost inexplicable, infinitesimal) value of sarah palin

sarah_palin_tales_from_the_crypt

The hockey stick is a nice touch.

She’s almost gone.

*     *     *

But seriously, folks—there is value to the Governess of Alaska. (And yes, she is almost gone, despite the efforts of even respectable news organizations to pretend she’ll remain relevant. Sure, sure, she’ll make an appearance in 2012 playing the part of Pain In Everyone’s Ass, not least her own party’s. The GOP brass will be desperate to retake the White House and decidedly unenthusiastic about her brand of “populism.” [Anyone else remember when populism meant something besides “appealing to the dumbest people imaginable”?] But that’ll be it. Kaputski for Palin.)

This value lies in her status as a reminder, a nostalgic throwback, an avatar of an era when the blood hadn’t been drained from the political process. When every aspiring public servant hadn’t been vetted, ironed, and starched into the modern—and universally despised—career politician. When Palin’s name was initially brought up, John McCain must have thought, “Well, no way could a state governor be batshit insane. Not in this day and age.” Imagine his surprise!

Continue reading the (almost inexplicable, infinitesimal) value of sarah palin

president-elect obama creates new “secretary of evil” cabinet post

president-obama
Yes we can, did . . . and will.

CHICAGO (AP) — In one of his first pronouncements as president-elect, Barack Obama announced the creation of a new cabinet post, “Secretary of Evil.” Obama tabbed Luciferous P. Friendly, better known as the National Evil, to fill this position.

“It is time,” said Obama, “to recognize the wicked coolness of Evil.”—referring both to the basic moral concept and to Mr. Friendly, a.k.a. the National Evil, himself.

How exactly will the new Secretary of Evil serve this administration? “He has already begun,” confirmed the president-elect. “We’ve had informal policy discussions this week, during which the Secretary has helped me map out which kinds of evil are wicked cool and which just suck.”

For instance? “Mr. Friendly has started typing up a comprehensive list of inanimate objects that, though appearing cool, are inherently evil.” As such, the president-elect went on to say, all grandfather clocks, which are “standard (bad) evil”, will be removed from the White House upon his inauguration. Presidential busts, on the other hand, fall under the heading “wicked evil”, and will not only remain in the executive mansion, but be consulted as oracles.

“For too long,” Obama proclaimed before a crowd estimated at 200,000, “we have belittled the role of evil in our lives. Tonight we as Americans embrace the evil within us.”

Mr. Friendly could not be reached for comment, as he is busy perusing the contents of the White House dumpsters for accidentally-discarded wickedly evil knickknacks.

you can’t spell “quadrennial presidential election day” without “tuesday”

goldfish_cracker

A potent symbol of democracy.

When the Evil was in kindergarten, Tuesday was his favorite day of the week. Why? Because Tuesday was pizza-flavored Goldfish day.

What does that have to do with anything anyone could ever possibly give a damn about? See here:

Whilst the Evil was in China . . . then recovering from jet lag . . . then battling a gui, a Chinese demon he inadvertently brought back (and somehow got through customs) in his checked baggage . . . several of his friends, nemeses, and associates (you know who you are) voted early. Thought they were doing their civic duty—overdoing it, in fact, in a kind of namby-pamby teacher’s pet way. “Look at me,” they seemed to say, preening as they did it, “I voted early. I’m more patriotic than the Statue of Liberty waving the Stars n’ Stripes at a Lee Greenwood concert!”

Well . . . ha. Some reports claim 40% of Georgians (the American kind) voted early. They waited in the cold, in the rain, for hours. Whereas the Evil waltzed into the voting booth and out on this perfect fall day, lickety-split. Even sunned himself ‘neath the dazzling foliage of the elementary school playground within which his polling location stood. Took all of half an hour, including 20 minutes of drive time.

The lesson here? Don’t fuck with the founding fathers. What’s the right, the proper, the patriotic day to vote? TUESDAY! they proclaimed, and Tuesday it is. And ever shall be.

election 2008: questions we should ask our candidates . . . but won’t

The first/only Vice Presidential Debate drops tonight. A dozen crucial issues in our lives spawn a thousand key questions we should be posing to anyone running for office in 2008 . . . but you know we won’t hear them posed to our candidates. No, no—it’ll be all about the bailout, Iraq, looking at Russians from your house. Pittances!

. . . When we all know the questions we really need answers to. Herewith, what every American should be asking of his or her candidates:

1. During a state dinner at the White House, you finally meet your first foreign head of state. Who turns out to be . . . a mummy! Do you shake the mummy’s hand, or do you risk an international snafu by refusing to for fear of being infected with the mummy’s 4,000-year-old curse? Governor Palin, first answer to you.

2. A small town in Middle America’s hundred-year-tradition of displaying a nativity scene on the lawn of its city hall has been challenged. The Church of Satan, a legally recognized nonprofit faith-based organization, is suing to have its own “Black Nativity” displayed next to the traditional one. Would you support the equal rights of the Satanists, or would you move to have all nativities removed as a clear violation of the constitutional separation of church and state? Senator Biden, you’ll field this one first.

Continue reading election 2008: questions we should ask our candidates . . . but won’t

election 2008: it’s the presidential debate drinking game!

We’re finally here: Friday night births the first debate of the 2008 presidential election season . . . unless, of course, the bat signal flashes over Capitol Hill, summoning John McCain back to . . . well, no one is sure. Congress just hammered out this seven hundred BILLION dollar bailout, so there’s really no reason for him to skip the debate now. The Evil is betting McCain makes it to the podium after all—because no one wants a Harvard-educated lawyer 25 years his junior calling him a pussy. Which is what the Evil would do in Barack Obama’s place: show up, stand behind your own podium . . . look at the vacant podium . . . then to the American people . . . and roll your eyes as if to say, “How pathetic is that?”

Either way, we should be in for some good subpolitical theatre.

Now: whenever the debate is on, and on like Donkey Kong, we as citizens have two sacred obligations:

One, to watch our stalwart candidates verbally spar, that we may make a more informed voting decision.

Two, to lay the ground rules for the requisite Presidential Debate Drinking Game, that we may endure this rhetorical hootenanny.

Continue reading election 2008: it’s the presidential debate drinking game!

henry paulson : fox as your money : henhouse

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet the Financial Evil.

Over the past few days, the National Evil has read about Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson’s demands for . . . let’s see . . .

A. Seven hundred BILLION dollars of taxpayer money . . .

B. To use as he sees fit . . .

C. Without substantial oversight by any governing body . . .

D. To bail out the former Goldman Sachs CEO’s peer group.

. . . with an intoxicating mixture of fatalistic amusement, stark terror, and grudging admiration. First off, Evil is amazed Paulson has been able to shuffle between houses of Congress this Wednesday, as his hubris indicates Mr. Paulson’s balls must not only be forged of brass, but also be the size of the Liberty Bell. Of course, he is testifying in front of a combined body that sent the U.S. to war when half the intelligence community was screaming Iraq didn’t have WMDs and the other half was crying “Uncle!” while Donald Rumsfeld had it in a headlock and gave it Indian burns. So it seems a safe bet—so long as you schlep your big ol’ balls into the House and Senate, look like the Shakespeare-spouting arch-villain in an action flick, and shout “DO IT NOW! THERE’S NO TIME!”—that you can get just about anything you want from our elected representatives.

. . . Or can you?

Continue reading henry paulson : fox as your money : henhouse