movie pitch: mannequillers!

. . . And now we receive word that some production house called “Gladden Entertainment” is developing a remake of Mannequin. As a coworker and FOE plaintively cried while yanking out locks of her own hair: “Seriously, they’re going to remake that movie? WHY???”

Evil is tempted to retort: “Because they’re finally running out of ‘80s movies to remake.” But if that were so, where’s my Adventures In Babysitting reboot? (Evil sees this as a perfect vehicle for a Lindsey Lohan comeback role in a gritty, monochrome re-envisioning of the movie for our times.)

io9 has a fun breakdown of what we should expect—nay, demand—from any Mannequin remake. But here at the Evil, things skew less to the fun and more to the . . . hmm . . . aberrant? Yeah, that’ll work.

As you know, National Evil Movie Pitchery^® (a.k.a. NEMP^®) has produced an unquestionably stupendous run of ideas bursting Athena-like from the Evil’s Zeuslike brow. But today calls for an exception, in which the Evil offers his NEMPing services to a project already in production . . . and brings you:

Mannequillers

. . . Because, let’s face it, why hasn’t there been a movie about killer mannequins? (And if there has, maybe some low budget mid-70s movie lampooned by MST3K . . . well, fie on you for knowing that.) Hey, what’s scarier than a doll come to life? (You don’t have to say “any clown.” Evil knows.) A giant doll! You can even keep the romantic element to draw in the lay-days.

You take your basic elements from the original—Andrew McCarthy-esque everyman meets hottie mannequin come-to-life (starring Lindsey Lohan in her big comeback role!). She seduces him . . . but not for love. No: she needs our hero to unleash an ancient Gypsy curse that will animate all mannequins—and place them under her power. After releasing the mannequin horde, our hero desperately rushes to stop his one true love before she takes revenge on all mankind!

. . . Because, um, animated mannequins feast on human brains to, you know, stay animated?

OK, it’s a reach. Maybe this entire Mannequin reboot idea is just a bad one all around. What say you?

pod people! i am your king! (the national evil gets tv)

Yesterday the Dishman came to install a satellite dish atop the Casa de Evil. After five years of no TV, I am once more connected with you, the writhing, amoeboid mass of water-cooler conversations and wink-wink pop-culture references that is America.

Over the years, I’ve been amused, bemused, and cemused at the reactions I got when I told someone, “No, I didn’t see Sacha Baron Cohen’s stunt at the MTV Movie Awards. I don’t actually have TV.” Said reactions fell into two broad categories:

1. “Yeah, I should really drop it, too. I mean, you’re right, it’s such a waste of time and money, and there’s so much else I should be doing. You know—reading, taking walks. TV really is bad, you’re right.”

(. . . Despite the fact that I neither said nor implied any of these things. At least, I don’t think I did. Maybe there was some subconscious inflection to the old voice, or the suggestive twitch of an eyelid? I’ll never know.)

2. “Oh, you’re one of those.” (Smile and a wink.) “Hippie!”

(. . . As if they had just watched me destroy a TV with a sledgehammer on their front lawn.)

It’s as if TV is something you’re either FOR!!! or AGAINST!!! Like abortion, Notre Dame football, or toe socks.

i don’t want to be hip or an elitist—i just want my &$#@ing mega-shark!

I hate it when this happens. You find something near and dear to your heart, some nugget of entertainment—be it a band, a book, a TV show, a movie—so far on the fringes of culture it can hardly be called “pop.” And then it a-splodes.

I’m not talking about “underground” things that worm their way into mainstream consciousness. I’m talking about something smaller and, because of that, more poignantly painful. I’m talking about what happens when the hipsters get ahold of that something near and dear. The horror!

Take this, for example: Mega- Shark vs. Giant Octopus. Perhaps you saw the trailer on YouTube or clicked the link on Yahoo’s home page, which dubbed it “an internet sensation.” If so, damn you. You’re the reason I couldn’t get the movie shipped to me from Netflix when it dropped.

Months ago I read about Mega-Shark—this back when almost nothing was known about the flick, other than the above iconic photo of said mega-shark om nom nomming the Golden Gate Bridge. I immediately put it on the Netflix queue.

transformers and the greatest movie review ever written

In case you didn’t know it, blogging is hard. It’s not just “loser in his mom’s basement spewing mindless invective.” And it gets worse in the summer, when the heat threatens to melt your brain.

I hear you: “If you’re so evil, shouldn’t you like the heat?” To which I reply: DMX was right when he titled his 1998 opus It’s Dark and Hell Is Hot. Hell is hot . . . but it’s a dry heat.

. . . All of which is to say, sometimes you’re flagging and need an assist, content-wise, and this week Michael Bay has come through for me in spades. I didn’t know if I would see Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen at any point. Looks pretty awful. But I am glad it exists because it at least gives us this, probably the greatest movie review I’ve ever read. Congrats to reviewer Charlie Jane Anders at io9.

Highlights include:

Imagine that you went back in time to the late 1960s and found Terry Gilliam, fresh from doing his weird low-fi collage/animations for Monty Python. You proceeded to inject Gilliam with so many steroids his penis shrank to the size of a hair follicle, and you smushed a dozen tabs of LSD under his tongue. And then you gave him the GDP of a few sub-Saharan countries. Gilliam might have made a movie not unlike this one.

. . . And:

LaBoeuf projects a pathetic, wall-eyed dorkhood, when he’s not babbling like a tumor removed from Woody Allen’s prostate that somehow achieved sentience.

. . . And:

[E]very single performance is so ridiculous that it looks down on “over the top” as if from a great height.

It doesn’t matter if you care about the movie. Just read this review. I promise you will come away happy . . . and, if you’re like me, actually wanting to see Transformers: ROTF. Now: go forth and readeth.

wwgd? or, the passion of the godzilla

Where’s your messiah now? Oh, wait. There he is.

Thanks to Netflix Instant, a new 24-inch monitor, and the miracle of sloth, I was able to make a Godzilla double-feature sandwich with Up in the middle. Up is amazing. Go see it. But it lacks a certain, let us say, religious quality you find in very few movies these days. In fact, I feel strongly that only Godzilla movies can really offer the spiritual fulfillment so many of us seek from our movie screens, TVs, and computer monitors.

As I watched Godzilla vs. Destoroyah and Godzilla 2000, I was struck by the same emotions a lot of people told me they felt while Mel Gibson beat the hell out of Jesus in The Passion of the Christ  . . . basically, a deep, abiding gratitude that it wasn’t them nailed to the cross. Or in this case, having their shoulder sliced into by the glowing horn of Destoroyah.

two star trek posts in a week, and yet i never saw one episode of voyager

The above picture has nothing to do with Star Trek. But it does relate to the greatest headline I have ever read, which also has nothing to with Star Trek. Check it out: “Monkeys Ponder What Could Have Been.”

OK, back to the topic at hand. I thought I was done with Star Trek. But here I am, talking about it again. And hopefully talking in a deep, manly voice, not the juvenile whine that was my only real problem with the casting.

I thought maybe I was just imagining things until I read this piece pondering why Kirk comes off as such a douchebag . . . as in, what did he do in this movie that would make anyone feel like following him? I didn’t actually have a problem with that notion—just about every movie concerning a character achieving his destiny usually features that jarring moment when he goes from “irritating ne’er-do-well” to “beloved leader.” (Though the author of said essay takes issues with that, too, and I get his point.) I mean, it’s a sci-fi action-adventure flick. Eventually they have to cut to the chase and just say: look, this guy’s the captain now because we said so. Now on to the thrilling conclusion!

star trek and the obligatory 21st century rebooty call

Yeah, I saw Star Trek on its opening weekend. No, I didn’t wear Spock ears, ha ha. Though I did wear a miniskirt and go-go boots. Yowza!

 

. . . Anyway. Saw Star Trek. It’s good. Go see it. And—surprise!—I have a few thoughts regarding this, the latest in a series of franchise reboots. I noticed the same thing about Trek as I remember with Batman Begins: the plot is almost secondary. And, as such, both feature decent if uninspired storylines. A bad guy to move things forward, but not one who gobbles up screen time. (That’s for the sequel!)

And really, the plot doesn’t matter. What you’re watching for is to see if the director hits all his marks, origin-wise. It’s a trickier task with Trek than Bats, since you have a whole crew to reintroduce. And I give the screenwriters and J.J. Abrams all credit: they do a nice job of it, even with the secondary Trek regulars who might get five minutes of screen time. Everyone says what they’re supposed to, everyone looks and sounds at least vaguely like their predecessors.

the 3D re-revolution: back to the future for hollywood

I’ve been reading a lot about the coming wave of 3D movies—the one, in case you haven’t heard, that will engulf us all this year. Here’s an excellent piece in Time by Richard Corliss explaining (1) what’s going on, (2) what makes this 3D technology different and better, and (3) why you should care . . . basically, because a lot of big-britches directors—your Camerons, your Jacksons, your Spielbergs—swear they’re going to be shooting in 3D from here on out.

(And, ominously: George Lucas plans to reformat and re-release all the Star Wars movies in 3D. Huzzah. Pfffffft. Wonder what CGIdiocy he’ll jam into this extra-special-millennium-platinum-3D edition?)

Of course, lots of directors have said that. 3D and Hollywood have a classic dysfunctional relationship: Hollywood gets together with 3D, 3D stumbles in late every night stinking of gin, Hollywood finally gets strong and dumps 3D . . . but there’s 3D, years later, with a bouquet of flowers and a smart haircut that says “Hey, I’ve straightened out, I’ve made it!” . . . and Hollywood keeps taking 3D back no matter how many times he lets her down.

Because—say it with me now—this time will be different! He PROMISED!

. . . Regardless, 3D is here to stay—at least, for 2009. Like a friend crashing on your couch. So as your guide to right living in this world, I schlepped forth to witness the re-revolution firsthand at a showing of Monsters vs. Aliens and report back.

john madden asks: which muppet would you get drunk with?

John Madden announced his retirement today, retroactive to five years ago. Zing!

You know you’re a figure of unique American eminence when you’ve had an indelible impact on popular culture for so long that all the jokes at your expense have been exhausted. Yes, one could poke fun at his onscreen scribblings, the incoherent rants of his later years, or how he has come to resemble an aging, alcoholic Muppet.

But why? A thousand “comical” sports writers will no doubt spend today pecking away at “humorous” homages to the man. And you can be damn sure Madden has a Letterman “Top 10” list coming. Which will be exactly as funny as anything David Letterman has said in the past 15 years.

No . . . what Madden’s retirement really does is bring one crucial question to light: Which Muppet would you most want to get drunk with?

links to my other life: watchmen and the myth of fanboy power

Every now and again I stumble in just a liiiiitle later than promised, having intentionally spilled liquor on myself in hopes of masking the scent of strange and enticing perfume. Examination of the trash in the kitchen would uncover a tissue smeared with lipstick hastily removed from my lips, cheeks, and neck.

That’s right: I have been cheating on the Evil again. And we can only pray she never finds out.

Revolution SF has published an article of mine about Watchmen’s box office success (or lack thereof, you decide) and what it says about certain misapprehensions concerning the power of fanboys to make or break a movie. (Here’s my own take on the movie itself.)

Check it out here. And, as ever: thanks for reading.