Look out, Benedict! Behind you! It’s one of those horrible Men from Mar—oh. Wait. That’s just your shadow.
The National Evil isn’t in the business of mocking Catholicism—we find it to be a charmingly kooky religion, with the dog-headed saints and the dead language and whatnot. It’s just that you’ll never see a headline reading “Southern Baptists OK with possibility of alien anal probes.” Whereas the Vatican . . . the Vatican delivers.
So now the Associated Press reports that Rev. Jose Gabriel Funes, the Vatican’s chief astronomer, has announced that belief in alien life does not contradict a faith in God.
Ruling out the existence of aliens would be like “putting limits” on God’s creative freedom, he said.
And we all know how God hates that. The National Evil sympathizes—we remember when the art teacher took away our scissors after we chased Mandy Applebaum around the art room with them, trying to get at her pigtails. How were we supposed to cut out the pictures for our collage after that?! So we hunkered under our desk and ate glue. Now imagine doing that to God. Uh-huh. Scary.
Back to the aliens. While there might be thousands of shut-ins busily shaping their aluminum foil hats into pointy pope chapeaux, I’m not sure many people were seeking that kind of spiritual reassurance. Frankly, it smacks a little of trying to horn in on the aliens’ turf, no? I would imagine that the Slothions are even now preparing a punitive armada aimed at the world’s religious centers, growling, “Don’t steal our credulous ninnies! Find your own!”
Most provocative of Funes’s statements?
The Bible “is not a science book,” Funes said, adding that he believes the Big Bang theory is the most “reasonable” explanation for the creation of the universe.
Um. Can we maybe have a holy day in which all priests everywhere don a T-shirt reading “The Bible is not a science book”? If the Vatican is as concerned with resolving the conflict between science and religion as it claims, that would be a good first step. And in return, scientists would agree to wear shirts that read “NO, we CAN’T explain from whence the super-dense point of matter that exploded into the entire universe during the Big Bang came.”